canadianturd: movie reviews

2006-05-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

(I would've had this posted the day after I saw it, but it was deleted under my own stupidity and I didn't feel like taking another hour and a half out of my day to re-type it)

For a somewhat unplanned movie franchise, a short shooting period and director problems, it sure delivered an awesome end product. They definately took it in a direction that I wasn't expecting, but if this is going to be the last film of the series, then they sure went out with a bang. my opinion about this movie maybe bias because I was expecting, maybe a little too much. I've been waiting for this movie for three years. I've been salivating ever since I heard Juggernaut and Beast would be featured. I've been pumped for so long and I don't know if anything could have been good enough.

The problems: The deaths were fine. People complained about them, but I thought they happened waay too early and they spent too much time on the eulogies. Storm talks in this movie far too much and when she talks, it's only rehashing corny lines from the first two movies. Yeah, we get it, you're mutants and you're proud of it. We're all unique, blah, blah, blah... I just wanted them to get into the action. What's point of putting these actors through hours of make-up if they're just going to waste the scenes on character develoment the entire time.

Speaking of character development, there was none whatsoever for Angel. He had a few lines in the entire movie. It was pointless to even have him featured in the movie, especially when they build him up so brilliantly at the beginning. The actors were fine, but the chemistry wasn't there for a lot of them. Example: Iceman and Rogue seemed more like brother and sister than tortured wannabe lovers. Rogue was not used even once and I'm getting tired of hearing about how weak of a character she is because she's one of the most powerful mutants in the X-Men.

I was happy with the fighting/destruction scenes. My only critique would be that I wished they were longer. I was hoping that certain mutants would fight. Like when Juggernaut chases Shadowcat through the laboratory, I was hoping that Colossus would come to her rescue and they would have a battle to the death. There wasn't much in the way of giving the mutants their own much deserved screen time. In fact, most of the mutants didn't get to show off their abilities: Psylocke, Leech, Jubilee and a bunch of other not very well known mutants. Brett Ratner did a better job than Bryan Singer could have or would have done. But overall, it was entertaining. It just made me a little insane.

2006-04-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

THE HILLS HAVE EYES

Let me break it down for you. Its starts off kind of weak, like the regular road trip gone bad type deal. There's the creepy gas station/mechanic guy giving this family directions on a "shortcut" to get them to the freeway faster. From nightfall the family is terrorized by mutants. That's right, mutants.

The first dog is gutted, the father is burned alive infront of his family, while one the hot, younger daughter is raped by two mutants. The older daughter gets molested, the mother is shot in the stomach with a shotgun and then the older daughter gets shot in the head. Then the older daughter's baby is kidnapped, the son-in-law goes in search of his baby with a baseball bat and the second dog, while the younger sister and brother hold down their camper of death. The son-in-law come across a town that was used as a nuclear bomb testing site, inhabited by the mutants who have his baby. He goes in their and fucks their shit up pretty good. There's a few spectacular fight scenes and this one memorable scene with a mutant in a wheelchair, who was acting all cocky until the dog ripped him to shit.

The directing was outrageous, I loved it, and they actually had good actors. The younger boy and Aaron Stanford (ironically, the mutant, Pyro in the X-Men movies) were great, they didn't overact their scenes or try to look macho. They just kicked ass. Another thing I liked was that there was no quoteable lines through the last half of the movie because there was so much ass-kicking going on. I loved it.

2006-04-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

V FOR VENDETTA

It was a little slower than what I was expecting, but when it came to ass meets grass fight scenes, it did not disappoint. V will definately go down in history as one of the great comic book/movie characters of all time. He had charisma, charm, good taste, etiquette and good loo--okay, well there's a reason for the mask, but all the other stuff is pretty good.

The movie akes place in the future London, England and a new government has taken over all sense of freedom and the people just go with it. All citizens have a curfew, except the "finger men" who patrol the streets looking for people, breaking the curfew. That's sort of where it starts. This girl, Evey (natalie Portman) is caught breaking curfew and she is saved by this stranger in a mask called V. On this particular night, V has planned to start his crusade to take back freedom of his country. He sets out to make the people understand that the media and the government are working together and taking control of everything: Art, music, films, activities, parades or events that they don't want in their ultra-conservative society.

2006-04-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

FIREWALL

It wasn't as bad as I thought it might've been. The plot was a little thin, so it seemed like they just kept on throwing in more and more obstacles to overcome as the story went on. Whether or not Harrison Ford was believable as the hero. I'd say, he was.He doesn't do anything too crazy, get up from it unscathed and go back in fighting. He knows he's not the fresh faced youngster from Star Wars, so he takes his time. He leans up against stuff as he fights, he gets out of breath and he looks dazed alot, but that's the beauty of Harrison Ford. He's believeable as an old man. Oh yeah, he is an old man. But he's an old man, playing an old man that usued to be Indiana Jones. I just blew my mind. In short, it actually is a sweet action movie if you're in for some ass-kicking.

2006-03-31T05:48:00.000-08:00

HOODWINKIED!

I was NOT really into watching this movie up until I saw the trailer and thought it looked promising. Prior to seeing the trailer, I saw bits and parts of the movie and thought it looked super annoying. What a misconception that was! I'd say this movie is one of the funniest animated features out there. Up there with the Road to El Dorado, Chicken Run, Ice Age, or Shrek.

It all takes place in a fairy tale land with Red Riding Hood, Granny and the Wolf. The movie begins with a police investigation headed by Mr. Flippers and Fuzzy Wuzzy. Everyone involved is interviewed to uncover the fairy tale land's stolen recipe conspiracies.

The voice cast is pretty impressive. Patrick Warburton (The Tick, Seinfeld), Glenn Close (The Sheild), Anne Hathaway, James Belushi, Andy Dick....okay, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who likes Andy Dick. Him and Patrick Warburton definately have the best charcters in the movie and I wish they didn't promote this movie so poorly because it's definately underated.

Boingo: "And Keith! Change your name! It's not very scary sounding and I get embarrassed saying it! I mean, 'Oh my God! Here comes Keith! I'm sooo scared!'"

2006-03-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

I liked this movie, but it was one of those movies that you watch, enjoy, and never care if you ever watch again. It was entertaining with a good story and great actors like Ziyi Zang and Ken Wantanabe. Ziyi Zhang is so incredibley hot. I'd pay 15,000 yen to smell her feet.

The entire movie is about this girl who gets sold from a poor contry family into the city. Shit seems to follow her throughout the entire movie. She gets beaten by her new "family" and becomes a slave within the household. It's sort of like a Cinderella story, where a reputable Geisha discovers her and the girl becomes this Geisha's apprentice. But all she really wants is to meet a man she met when she was a little girl who bought her cherry ice, so she trains to become a Geisha. She finally makes it and after five years or so, they finally get together. It takes his years to say "Ah, fuck it. Screw the rules, I'm going for it." If he had done that five years before. She wouldn've had to gone through all this crap, but she did, so it makes for a good story.

2006-03-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

FUN WITH DICK & JANE

It's okay.

2006-03-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

SYRIANA

If anybody could make sense of this movie, my hat goes off to you. This is what I got: Matt Damon loves Europe. George Clooney likes guns and danger. It's hard for poor Arabs to support their famillies. Some kid gets electrocuted in a pool. George Clooney is beaten and tortured. Poor Arabs, who need money to support their famillies become terrorists. U.S. Government turns on George Clooney. Crazy, Arab father chooses crazy, Arab son to take over their country instead of his level-headed, Arab son. George Clooney knows too much. Matt Damon doesn't know anything. A small boat of new terrorists do a suicide mission right into the side a boat. Either crazy, Arab father or crazy, Arab son have level-headed, Arab son killed along with George Clooney. Matt Damon is like "What the fuck just happened?" Movie ends. I think to myself, "What the fuck just happened?" In a nutshell, I liked it.

2006-01-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

CAPOTE

This is the story of Truman Capote, the author of Breakfast At Tiffany's and his story of how he self-destructed over his next and last book, In Cold Blood. It was the first non-fiction book ever written and it was about a family of four, who were murdered one night in November 1959. The book took five years to complete because Truman kept hiring lawyers to try to appeal the case for the killers, just because he wanted to get as much information from them as possible. He ended up creating a bond with one of the killers and was a witness to his execution.

I didn't know what to think of the movie when it was done. I just wanted to sit there and think about it for a while, but I was in a theatre, so I had to get the fuck out. It ended on such a down note, but I liked it. I don't think I would ever care to watch it again, but I really enjoyed it. I've never seen Phillip Seymour Hoffman like this before. He has range that not too many actors don't have.

2006-01-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

JUST FRIENDS

Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Chris Klein and the guy who directed Cruel Intentions. "What a shitty line-up" I thought. Although I like Ryan Reynolds, I figured it would be him playing the same wise ass character like Van Wilder, Hannibal King or... the guy from... that waiter movie. Anyways, he and Chris Klien play nerds from high school, who grow up to be hunky chick magnets. They both end up fighting for the offection of their high school crush, Amy Smart who made it clear that she only wanted to be friends. The kicker is, after they come back, she still just wants to be friends with them.

I'd say the best parts of the movie are Reynolds and his little brother (the pervert kid from The Girl Next Door) and Anna Faris (Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4). She plays a crazy teen celebrity (ala, Ashlee Simpson), who wants to be taken seriously as an "artist". I actually believed she was out of her mind and the scenes with her were so over the top, it's too good to be true. At one point she gets a head injury and starts eating toothpaste. It's great!

2006-01-14T11:44:00.001-08:00

THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

I love Steve Carrell (The Daily Show, The Office) and this didn't disappoint at all. He plays Andy, a clerk at an electronics store who's never had sex. As he explains, he's tried, but they've all resulted in horrific outcomes. Eventually, he gives up and becomes secluted, building models, playing video games and collecting action figures (I, personally think that's awesome).

One night, he gets invited to a poker match and the guy's at work find out he's a virgin, so they set out to get him laid and hilarity ensues. The movie was consistantly brilliant through and through. The friends all had their own little quirks about them. It wasn't just about the main character.

2006-01-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

JARHEAD

I had high hopes for this movie. Higher than anyone could have imagined. Jake Gyllenhaal is one of my favourite actors (even though he's done some real shit lately) and Sam Mendes is one of my favourite directors (he directed my favourite movie, American Beauty). I was waiting the entire movie for something to happen and nothing happened. The movie was about how these guys trained for 200 days in the desert to become snipers and how they touched the brink of insanity when they didn't get to kill anyone. You watch these guys try to cope with being out in the middle of nowhere, resenting the government because of the conditions and the fact that none of their gear worked and eventually resenting each other.

The movie would have done better as a documentary and the last 15 minutes of the movie try to give you some sort of closure, but it ends up just being filler. In short, it's a crappy movie.

2005-10-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

PRETTY PERSUASION

It started out great! One of the most offensive and funniest movies I have ever seen. Then it took a terrible twist. It's about three girls from Beverly Hills, who wrongly accuse their teacher (Ron Livingston) of sexual abuse. The main character, Kimberly (Evan Rachel Wood) is fucked up. Her phone sex and coke addicted, racist Dad (James Woods) owns an electronics franchise, her step-Mom fucks her dog, he wants to be famous and have the lead role as Anne Frank in the school play. The other two characters aren't as interesting, but they play their parts well.

It's hard to pin point exactly where it went wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was around the time they tried to build a story that didn't fit the the characters and tried to make the characters conform to the story. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it a nutshell, it sucked. The plot was tried and done. It was obvious about what was going to happen and after a half hour, I wanted it to be over with. But if you liked Ghost World, then you might like this. I walked away from both movies feeling nothing. Bored, if anything.

2005-07-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

I have only one complaint about this movie: Too much story, not enough factory. That's it. One complaint. Other than that, I thought it was perfectly cast and perfectly directed. The oompla loompa songs were fantastic, but the speakers in the theatre were too loud sometimes the lyrics were muffled. I enjoyed all the music, especially the introduction to Willy Wonka with all the creepy, robot children who start to catch fire and melt.

I think this version of Willy Wonka is one of my favourite movie characters because he's so much like me. Don't laugh. It's true. I'm not a candy genius and I've never scowered Loompaland, armed with a big knife. But I am awkward, I repeat myself, I'm not a big fan of family and I hate children. Willy Wonka hates children. The glowing look of delight in his face when the squirrels dumped Veruca Salt into the incinerator was incredible. She was such a snotty, little shit, I would've let the squirrels eat her alive.

It's a sweet story and a tad bit creepy... but in a good, Tim Burton way. Fun for the whole family, really.

2005-07-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

CRASH

This is the best movie I've seen since Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind. I think that's the only movie I could put Crash in the same ballpark with, because it's such a compelling story. I was choked up halfway through the film over how emotional it was. It's probably not a movie for everyone. I think some people might miss the message because of ignorance. It's about how people relate crime, employment, stereotypes and relationships to race and how unpredictable anyone can be when it comes to those issues.

It's hard to tell the story since it's a mish-mash of characters who eventually come together at the end. It takes place in 36 hours, in Los Angeles with all different types of people with all different types of professions, statuses, personalities and outlooks on life.

The cast is suprisingly brilliant (in this movie). This brilliant cast includes Don Cheadle, Jennifer Esposito, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Larenz Tate, Sandra Bullock, Breandan Fraser, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillippe, Terrence Howard, Thandie Newton and a cameo by Tony Danza. I know what you're thinking, just see the movie.

2005-07-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

I thought this movie would have a religius undertone to it since it took place in Jerusalem, it was about the crusades and the title, but undertone is an understatement. The entire movie was about God and fighting in the name of God, which was just an excuse for the biggoted crusaders to fight.

The story is about a blacksmith (Orlando Bloom) who, after his wife has commited suicide, finds out that his Dad (Liam Neeson) is a Lord in the city of Jerusalem. He goes to Jerusalem to have his and his wife's sins forgiven and when his Dad dies of a fever, he takes over the land. The Prince and his awesome people want to go to war with the Arabs for the reason of killing Arabs. They say it's over land or something, but we all know what they were really thinking. The sweet King, with the mask dies of leprosy and the evil Prince takes over. He basically runs Jerusalem into the ground, his first day on the job. So he sucks. Orlando Bloom is good in the movie, but his character sucks so much.

The acting is good, the characters are clichéd, the direction and action sequences are phenomenal and the story could've been better. Orlando's reasons for not doing key things in the movie are fucking retarded, if you see it, you'll know what I mean. But, I did really anjoy this movie even though I didn't like Gladiator or Troy. It's safe to say that I could go without seeing another midevil era type of movie for the rest of my life. They're just too predictable.

2005-06-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

BATMAN BEGINS

Hands down, the best Batman movie ever made. It didn't have much competition, but couldn't possibly be worse than Joel Schumacher's shitfest with Christopher Nolan directing. Christian Bale is great at playing Bruce Wayne because he has the same charm that Michaekl Keaton had. The villains were great choices, Ra's Al Ghul and the Scarecrow were written great and showcased great because they never really interacted with each other like Two-Face and The Riddler did. They were just sort of doing their own things.

The movie starts off showing Bruce wayne as a kid and how his fear of bats started, then it shows him grown up and living in a Chinese prison (I assume it was Chinese) and then he starts training as a ninja with Ra's Al Ghul. It's true that he doesn't actually put on the Batman costume until halfway through the movie, but it's sweet character development at work. You actually start to believe that when he starts fighting in Gotham that he can actually do all the things he does. The other great thing is that he does make mistakes, especially on his first time out as Batman. I also like the way the public sees Bruce Wayne. At one point, he just decides to alienate all of his family's friends, pretending that he's drunk. Gotham doesn't really take Bruce Wayne seriously, they just think he's some crazy spoiled rich kid that spends his money on girls and cars.

The Scarecrow is by far, my favourite villian on screen. He so calm and respected that he can almost get away with anything. He has a scary mask that he wears to protect him from the gas that sprays from his briefcase. The gas makes the everyone's fears seem real and they freak out for days. Pretty much all the people you want to get sprayed get sprayed and they must've been trippin' balls for the next couple of days because I know if I saw the shit they saw, I'd probably need therapy. I would go on more about it, but I don' want to give too much more away. I think everyone should see this movie. It's too good to miss.

2005-05-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

STAR WARS EPISODE III REVENGE OF THE SITH

The story was very bland. Anakin takes out Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus right off the bat. I mean, it wasn't much of a battle at all. Anakin sees Padme die when she conceives their first child and he sets out to find out how he can stop her from dying. While he's looking for answers, the Chancellor/The Emperor lets him know that the Dark Side could save Padme. Instead of killing him, Anakin takes out Mace Windu who just finished fucking up The Emperor's face but good. It seems that Anakin's transformation from Jedi to Sith is almost instantanious. It's like he just threw all of his beliefs out of the window and picked up a whole new system in two seconds. After Windu is gone, it seems that Anakin figures, "Meh, I'm fucked anyways. might as well bring everyone down with me." So he grabs his lightsaber and goes on a rampage, killing every Jedi he could find. Even the little kids, in training to become Jedi's. Storm Troopers everywhere start taking out unsuspecting Jedi and Anakin gets a sweet hood. Blah, blah, blah, Anakin tries to convince Padme that everything is going to be alright, but she doesnt realize that this huge war is going on because of her. Blah, blah, blah, wookies. Blah, blah, blah, Yoda goes after The Emperor and gets his ass handed to him. Then Obi Wan Kenobi goes after Anakin in the center of a volcano, where he is hiding out. There is lava flying everwhere and nothing touches them. They run through is like it was water. Oh don't worry about it, it's just lava. That's where I'm going to leave off so I don't wreck it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet

The movie was great, effects-wise. But the dialogue was as terrible any other Star wars movie. Except maybe Episode IV. I rather like that one. The acting is hokey and without much expression until the end. hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor and R2-D2 do make up for the lack of enthusiasm from everyone else. The worst thing was the cheesey scenes. When Padme tells Anakin she's pregnant, the two second scene of an anguished Anakin making his decision to become a Sith, the battle between Anakin/Darth Vader and Obi Wan on the lava river. But the one that tops it all off was the "Noooooooooooooo!!" when The Emperor tells his newest apprentice that Padme is dead.

2005-04-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

SIN CITY

Robert Rodriguez may easily be the coolest person on Earth for making this movie. There were three stories being told in this movie. The first one starts out with a cop named Hartigan (Bruce Willis), set out to save a little girl. They cut off that story and they don't finish it until the end of the movie. The second story is about a guy named Marv (Mickey Rourke) who gets framed for killing a prostitute named Goldie (Jamie King) whom he fell in love with. The last story is about a guy named Dwight (Clive Owen) tries protecting his girlfriend, Shellie (Brittany Murphy) from an abusive ex-boyfriend (Benicio Del Toro).

The entire movie was shot infront of green screens. The movie was pretty much all in black and white, just with a few splashes of colour here and there. It was probably one of the most deliciously violent movies I've ever seen. I loved it. Glorifying violence?? Yeah, I'm in.

I'm going to say that this movie is easily one of the best movies ever made. The only people that wouldn't like this movie would be lame guys (wiggers, Christians...etc.) and lame girls.

2004-11-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

THE SPONGE BOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE

I love cartoons and I love watching feature film cartoons too. I loved this movie. These types of movies are really being made for literally the entire family. Especially if your family experiments with a lot of drugs.

SpongeBob and Patrick go to Shell City in search of King Neptune's missing crown or else Neptune will kill Mr. Krab. While they are gone, Plankton takes over Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob and Patrick get car-jacked by a big fish, they get into a bar fight, they battle a bounty hunter, they are kidnapped by a scuba diver and saved by David Hasselhoff. But the most impotant thing was that they learned a lesson about themselves at the end.

It was a real emotional part of the movie where SpongeBob realizes that he has to grow up and stop acting like a kid. At this point he tries to convince that Patrick worshiped a cartoon peanut, Mr. Peanut. So SpongeBob pulls down Patrick's shorts to reaveal his Mr. Peanut underwear. Patrick cries and throws a tantrum.

SpongeBob: "Patrick, pull your pants up!!"
Patrick: No, what's the point??"

The Princess (that Patrick has a crush on) finds them.

Princess: "Guys we need your help!!"

Patrick scrambles to his feet.

Patrick: "You didn't see my underwear did you??"
Princess: "No."
Patrick: "Did you want to??"

2004-10-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE

Never in my entire life did I ever wonder what a movie starring marionettes would be like. Now I know. Sweet Jesus, now I know. I wondered if the strings they bounced from would bug me. They didn't. I wondered if the background would look cheap and cheesey. Not the case. Wel, it was cheesey, but the good kind of cheesey.

Team America is an anti-terrorist organization designed to wipe out terrorism. They have a computer called "Intelligence" that tells them were terrorists are hiding and what they are planning to do. The organization hires Gary Johnson; an actor. The need him to sneak into a terrorist meeting so they could get informtion a an an attack they say is 9/11 x 100.

Add a marionette to the list of weird things I'd like to fuck.
1. The chick Hobbit from Lord of the Rings
2. Helloooo, Nurse (Animaniacs)
3. Miss Piggy
4. The chick Terminator
5. The chick marionette from Team America

This movie is basic Matt Stone and Trey Parker comedy. I've never been a big fan of South Park, but this movie is possibly one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. It rips on every single person in the world, no bias whatsoever. I loved it!!

It takes on countries like, the US, Paris, England, China, and celebrities like Michael Moore (as a suicide bomber), Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, George Clooney, Susan Sarandon and "Myatt Dayymon". Haha!! You have to see it.

The music was brilliant. Nothing less. With song lyrics like "I miss you more than Michael bay missed the point of Pearl Harbour", "Everyone has AIDS" and "America!! Fuck, yeah!! America!! Fuck, yeah!!" I suggest you rush out to the theatre as soon as possible for those songs alone. Or at the very least, buy the soundtrack.

2004-09-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

SHAUN OF THE DEAD

The greatest ZOMBIE movie ever made. I said it during the Dawn of the Dead review that I wasn't much of a zombie fan. The best way I've heard this described was a romantic-comedy with zombies. That sounds like a horrible combination. But, no. Whoever did this movie did excellent work. I never thought you could make a geniunely scary movie with such comedy and heart.

It's a British movie, so it was hard for me to understand what they were saying with their accents. Plus, I was really baked so it was like "Blah, blah, blah..." Blood. "Blah, blah, blah..."

The fight scenes were awesome!! The main guy, Shaun, beat the zombies with a cricket bat and his friend carried a shovel. Shaun and his friend battle zombies while Shaun tries to rekindle the broken relationship with his ex-girlfriend while barricaded in a pub.

2004-08-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

I've seen half of the first Predator movie and none of the Alien movies.This movie kicks all form of ass.

I don't know how else to say it. Now comes the part where I critique the movie. Break it down, and sort through what I liked and what I didn't like, and sew on...

We've got the heroine, mountain climber and the good looking, archiological, Mexican who seem to have a little game of ass-tag going on. The rest of the cast: the wacky, Scottish guy, the bad-ass, scarface guy and the old rich guy that found an underground temple under the thick, icy layers of Antartica. Including the rest of the faceless others who get killed, Aliens and the Predators.

This old, rich dude discovers an underground, Aztec-like temple in the Antartic. He calls together a genius team of individuals to go to the icy as fuck continent and go digging around a dead civilization.

It takes about 20-30 minutes or boring shit until it gets to the raw, chewy stuff. I'm hungry. But when the shit hits, it's fucking beautiful. They're all mediocre actors playing mediocre characters in a film that's based on two legendary movie icons. All the focus is on them and we don't care that these people are getting picked off. You're almost praying for it.

Probably my only complaint is the fact that they are in Antartica and you can't see their breath!! How can you go to the coldest place on the Earth and not be able to see your breath?? No sense there.

Pretty much everyone gets totally obliterated in the coolest ways ever!! My favourite part had to have been where the Predator stands in the middle of this room, picks up the Alien by the tail and whips him around in a circle. The Alien breaking the brick walls in a wide circle. It was fucking great!!

The action scenes were awesome. I love brutal fights like the one between Alien and Predator. The remind me of scenes like The Punisher verses The Russian.

SPOILER AHEAD!!.... Look away.
If you don't want to know what happeneds at the end, then I suggest that you look away now. Predator blows up all Aliens on Earth, Mother Alien dies in the frozen water. All Predator's die except the ones that pick them up. The dead Predator is lifted away, but then an Alien busts out of his stomach. The the screen turns blak In short, I'd like to say that the Predator wins.

2004-07-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

The one abbreviation that comes to mind when describing this movie: Improv. I think that they just got a bunch of comedians together with an outline for a movie and went to town on it.

Will Ferrell IS a comedic genius. He can make anything funny and he picks out the best projects. Unless you dissmiss some of his earlier work like, Night at the Roxbury and Boat Trip. He made this fucking movie and I fucking love it!!

Christina Applegate was great. She is under-rated, especially for comedies. She's been in comedies all her career, so no one is ever sure if she could act in a drama or if she's funny enough to hold her own in a comedy.

Steve Carell is the best as Brick, the retarded weatherman. Steve is from The Daily Show. I'm such a fan of his, and Stephen Colbert.

Of course there are the cameos by Luke Wilson, Ben Stiller, Jack Black and the opposing anchorman, played by Vince Vaughn.

Will Ferrell plays Ron Bergundy, a San Diego anchorman whose job is threatened by an anchorwoman that he is in love with. He also loves his dog, Baxter.

Some parts of the movie that were in the trailer weren't even in the finished movie.

2004-04-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

THE PUNISHER

Thomas Jane as The Punisher. Perfection! Everything else... bad. I thought John Travolta as the villainous, Howard Saint would have been a good choice, because he can play a great bad guy (Broken Arrow, Face Off, Swordfish). He didn't seem all that scary, he's out of shape and he still has that whiney-Grease-Lightning voice once in a while. The entire cast were horrible actors, with the exception of Ben Foster and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. They would have been better off, giving the movie to a better director. Someone more qualified to do movies like this. Some action director likie, Michael Bay (Bad Boys 2), Robert Rodriguez (One Upon a Time In Mexico) or better yet, John Woo (Paycheck). They could have gotten better music too.

This is how the story goes. Frank Castle is a cop who sets up Howard Saint's son, buying illegal weapons. Howard's son is killed by the police and Howard sets his sights on Frank and his entire family. Nearly right off the bat, a guy is shot to death, another guy is beaten, and another guy begs for his life, but eventually is shot to death as well. Frank and his family are in Puerto Rico for a family reunion, until Saints hitmen crash the party and murder Frank's entire family. It's a huge massacre. Men, women and children are everywhere!! Frank manages to blow up one hitman and scar another. There's a car chase that ends with his wife and child run down with a truck. Frank is shot in the chest, and is blown into a lake. Luckily some stereo typical tropical black guy with a boat appears and saves him from drowning. After Frank is well enough, he immediately starts planning his revenge and everyone that gets in his way of killing Howard Saint. The plan he uses to destroy Howard Saint with is pure genius and the fight scenes and volence are very well done.

Violence highlights:

Guy gets soup thrown in his face and hit on the head with the pot.

The Punisher is stabbed by the Russian.

The Punisher throws scadling, hot soup into the Russian's face. Burning his face so badly, it bubbles, and turns bright pink.

The Punisher tackles the Russian, and they both fall down the stairs.

Dave has all of his piercings ripped out of his face one by one.

Paper slicing blade stuck in guy's head

A guy yells after the Punisher stabs his hand with a knife into his back. While he's still yelling, he shoves another kife up through his mouth.

Flying razor hits guy in the neck.

Go for the violence, not for anything else.

2004-04-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

HELLBOY

I say Ron Pearlman is the new Lon Chaney. He has a recognizable presence, but can transform into nearly anything.

Selma Blair doesn't have much screen time, but when she is in it, she does a very good job.

And yes, that is David hyde-Pierce (Niles from Frasier) who plays Abe Sapien, the fish man.

I recommend it if you like Sci-fi action movies. There are some boring parts and the ending was pretty dumb, but I still like it alot.

I'll break down Hellboy for ya.

Nazi's are losing the WW2, so they dabble into black magic.

They open a gate to Hell and a baby demon comes through.

U.S. and British soldiers find the baby and raise it to become good.

The Defense for Paranormal Research raise Hellboy and other freaks.

There's a brief love story, and tons of fight scenes.

2004-03-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

DAWN OF THE DEAD

I am not a fan of zombies whatsoever. The Night of the Living Dead movies are creepy but don't do anything for me. On top of that, I'm not a fan of Ving Rhames. In fact, I can't stand him in anything.

They managed to pull it together nicely, I was suprised. Sarah Polley played the main character, a Mom, who was attacked by her little daughter and husband early in the morning. Morning Mom, I'm going to zombify you now. A group of people get together and take shelter inside of a mall. There's the bad ass cop, the father-to-be and his pregnant wife (I wanted to know how SHE made it past all those crazy zombies), the pre-pubecent lovebirds, the mall security guards, etc. Basically, they off everyone they brought back from the outside that was bitten by a zombie, then they come up with a plan to escape the city.

The special effects are great! The stunts kicked all for of ass and the zombie make-up was hiddeous. I loved it, I was scared out of my mind.

2004-03-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

THE SECRET WINDOW

Johnny Depp is in my opinion hi-larious!! Secret Window was written by Stephen King.

Here's the story. Johnny Depp's character is in the middle of divorcing his wife of 10 years so he goes to live at their cottage where he does his writing. One day, a Mississippi farmer comes tyo his door telling him that Johnny stole one of his stories. Then the man slowly begins to destroy his life. The movie was pretty slow moving, the ending was a little fucked up and I was really shocked at the end.

I think the movie was really good and mosty of the film kicked ass. So far the people I know that saw it weren't very impressed.

2004-01-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT

Usually, there are times when there is nothing but shitty movies. Once in a while you'll find a diamond in the rough. Last night I saw a movie that I deem one of the greatest movies of all time! Yes, it's stars Ashton Kutcher and there's nothing wrong with him in this movie at all. The movie is based on the Chaos Theory which is explained at the start of the movie so you're not totally lost.

Most of the movie takes place when Aston Kutcher's character is a boy. He's in love with a girl who lives with her abusive Dad and brother. The little boy has blackouts, moments where he does things he can't remember. Important times in his life, at times they are traumatizing. The doctor suggests he starts to write in a journal. He ends up leaving the girl he's in love with but tells her he'll come back for her. Years later, he's in university taking Psychology and starts to read his old journals. As he reads he starts to dream parts of the story he never remembered before. He goes back to the old town he used to live in. He finds nothing to be as he would have imagined it. All of his childhood friends are different. Jaded. He figures out a way through his journals that he could try to change things so they could be better for his friends. He quickly realizes that it may not be possible for everyone to be happy.

Ashton Kutcher is fucking boss. He goes through so much in this movie I wasn't even thinking about him as Kelso (That 70's Show). He was really, very excellent in this movie. Eric Stoltz is awesome in this flick as a secret pedofile. He made my stomach turn, I wanted him to fucking die. I usually hate kids in movies, all the kids in this movie were great. The little girl's brother was the baddest kid I've ever seen on screen in my life. Worse than all the kids put together that dropped the boulder on Piggy's head in Lord of the Flies.

2004-01-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

BIG FISH

I think I can safely say that this is Tim Burton's best film ever. It stars Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan from Attack of the Clones) and Alfred Finney (Fat, old guy).

The story is about a man who likes to tell stories to his son. He tells such great, but unreal stories that his son starts to resent his father for lying to him all his life. On his father's death bed, his son wants him to admit that the stories were all untrue. Instead, his father continues telling stories to anyone that will listen.

The stories basically revolve around the father when he was a young man. How he left his hometown, when he worked in the circus, how he met his wife, when he fought in war, all the things that happened before he settled down to raise a family. With lots of crazy other shit inbetween. I did get a little choked up at the end, you can all go to hell. This was a great movie! I can't wait until I watch it again.